Tricking Oneself into Writing

I envy authors who enjoy the process of writing. I love outlining (just call me weird). I don't mind minor revisions and proofing galleys. It's the work in between that I find laborious and slow. Maybe it has something to do with performance anxiety evoked by an empty screen.

In Peg Bracken's I HATE TO HOUSEKEEP BOOK, she discusses ways to trick oneself into cleaning. One way is to start several jobs at once. After you've got the laundry halfway to the washing machine, the vacuum cleaner out, oven cleaner sprayed in the oven, and the bed stripped, you have little choice but to finish the tasks.

Similarly, I've spent years looking for new and improved ways to trick myself into writing. Discovering FIRST DRAFT IN 30 DAYS, by Karen Wiesner, came as a terrific help to me. The "draft" created by this method is actually a very detailed, scene-by-scene outline that ends up about one-fourth the length of the finished book. The more detail I build into the scene-by-scene "formatted outline," the more wordage I can produce while continuing to fool myself that I'm not really writing, just outlining -- the part of the process I enjoy. The next step is to expand each summarized scene into a fully fleshed-out passage of narrative. Since I have a rough idea of how long it takes to expand a scene, I can plan out a writing schedule with more accuracy than I ever could before.

Another plus of this method is that I'm working with a template of the entire novel on the screen in front of me. So if I get a stray idea for a scrap of information, description, or dialogue to incorporate into a future scene, I have a place to insert it. No more jotting notes in my workbook or on loose sheets of paper and then forgetting where I put them. (Even though, as suggested in FDin30D, I now maintain a "story file" for each novel, I find it's still possible to lose track of miscellaneous notes in the folder.) This method makes it, if not quite painless, at least measurably easier to produce what I think of as draft 1.5.

Isn't housecleaning romantic when an alien does it?

(Substantially, this is the same content as posted on my other blogs, Rowena Remarks, and Alien Romances)

Would I want to see a Mr Spock type vacuuming up my dustbunnies?
No. I don't think the spectacle would be either romantic or funny. Not for me, anyway.

I imagine that a highly logical alien, if confronted with the need to use alien household appliances, would locate the appropriate user manual, study the instructions, and carry out the domestic operation with great efficiency and a deadpan expression.

Maybe he'd raise a quizzical, flying eyebrow. Actually, that might be romantic in a traditional Regency romance sort of way.

Of course, in my home, a highly intelligent and efficient alien might have trouble finding instruction manuals. If I were to write a blow-by-blow account of the exercise, I think an alien would comment. His remarks would probably be very funny to everyone except myself, the butt of his cool wit.

I am sure many authors have written scenes where their aliens have issues with human housecleaning appliances....Dara Joy's splendid early novel, Knight Of A Trillion Stars, comes to mind. What was it her alien hunk attacked with his broadsword, thinking it was a rival? A TV? An answering machine?

That scene was so funny, and so "right" in its context. I really love Dara Joy's work. I adored Rejar, too. It was the cat that got me!

Is chopping up the furniture the closest that any alien hero has come to housework? If not, I'd love recommendations. Generally, I think alien heroes tend to be extremely macho. They are world rulers, starship commanders, space pirates, intergalactic diplomats or trading tycoons.... they have servants, or orderlies, or androids to do the domestic dirty work.

Maybe I just haven't read the right books. No one seems to wash their clothes, or scrub toilets in an alien romance. Susan Kearney said that her aliens' clothing was self cleaning (smart!!! and with nano-technology, this is becoming a reality). Intelligent spaceships have aircleaning devices that work a lot better than the monsters we keep in our human furnace rooms. I once thought of modeling an alien toilet on a whole-house vacuum.

Then I read a joke about a sexually adventurous man who did himself a mischief.

In FORCED MATE my alien prince does have a little bit of trouble drawing a bath, mostly because he takes a macho stand (sitting on its edge, waiting for the heroine to take her clothes off and get in) without realizing that human baths don't automatically stop filling once the water reaches a sensible level.

He also has trouble with a shopping list.

And... he has trouble with the heroine when she discovers that his spacecraft toilets perform automatic urinalysis and a few other functions and announce the results. Romantic? Maybe not, but it appealed to my low sense of humor.

And then, there's recycling. We all do it, I suppose. Like Susan Sizemore who blogged recently on www.aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com , I like military books. I find them a treasure trove for research, for instance for battlefield uses for urine (to make communications equipment work).

My heroine of FORCED MATE is grossed out when she learns how spacefarers obtain yeast to make deep space bread. But that's getting into cuisine, and housekeeping, rather than house cleaning.

My "thing" is to gaze at the underbelly of an alien character's lovelife and poke fun at it. And, you might not have guessed it, but of all the sciences in science fiction, Biology is my favorite.

I'll be gone for the next four weeks. Do you know the ins and outs of a crab's sex life? I do. :-)

~Rowena

July/August newsletter www.rowenacherry.com/newsletter
Warning, there is a completely nude guy in this issue.

When the high and mighty trip up (or when the low and obnoxious do)

Last night I couldn't resist staying up much too late to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets --again.

My favorite scene, perhaps of all the Harry Potter movies so far, is the demonstration duel, where Gilderoy
is so busy posing that he gets legally zapped by Severus Snape.

At least, I'm pretty sure Severus Snape is simply quick onthe spell-casting draw, in neat dramatic contrast to Draco Malfoy, who cheats.

Why do I like that scene?
I find it immensely gratifying when a poser gets their come-uppance! Don't we all?

One of the most enduring themes in literature is hubris: the dramatic downfall of someone who gets too big for their boots.

If one cannot zap someone obnoxious, or watch them being zapped, it's fun to imagine warning them that they are about to get their come-uppance.

"Your High-and-Mightiness, you are in deep shit!" one of my characters tells Prince Tarrant-Arragon with great glee, in my next book, Insufficient Mating Material.

Ah, but does he live? History has shown that it isn't healthy to be the bearer of bad news.

An other program that stands out in my mind is Nigel Marvin's scientific documentary about the swings and roundabouts of a lion's sex life.

Actually that is my very loose, personal interpretation of what I got from what was a high minded and wide ranging program.

The up-side of being a lion with a big, dark mane is that the lionesses like you (and you have fewer parasites).
The down-side is that you have a lower sperm count. Presumably, it's the dirty, itchy, blond boys who get the job done.

I haven't figured out how I can work that quirk of nature into one of my alien djinn romances, but --trust me-- I will.

I wish you all an interesting week.

Rowena

New Concepts Publishing is looking

New Concepts Publishing is looking for new short stories.
Have you all seen this?
I'm snipping from Andrea De Pasture's announcement
-------------------------------------------------------------

New opportunities for authors (Permission to post)

We have many new projects we're working on throughout this year and the next, and we're very excited about these themes. These lines/series are open to all authors, so please spread the word to any writing groups you're on or to your writing friends.
Also, please be sure to include the series title in the Subject header of your submission.

Kinetic Series—Releasing November 2006

The theme for this series is psychic powers. Examples include, but are not limited to psychokinesis, pyrokinesis, hydrokinesis, and other superhuman powers. Let your imagination run wild! Stories should be between 10,000 and 35,000 words, but longer novels will be considered. Genres can be historical, fantasy, futuristic, or paranormal/contemporary and can be in any locale or setting. Spicy or erotic sensuality is preferred. Current NCP authors can submit a detailed synopsis and 5-10k words. Non-NCP authors must submit full manuscript. Stories should be turned in for consideration no later than the end of July 2006.Send to submissions@ newconceptspublishing.com (no space)

Harmony™ Line—Ongoing release dates

We are actively acquiring high quality, original interracial and multiracial romances for this line. This line is widely advertised in print media and heavily promoted wherever opportunities arise. Romance genres we are most interested in are paranormal, futuristic, fantasy, and historical—spicy or erotic are preferred. Straight contemporary romances are rarely accepted for this line. Novels should be at least 70,000 words but novellas will be considered for anthologies. Current NCP authors can submit a detailed synopsis and 10-15k words. Non-NCP authors must submit full manuscript. More information about this line can be found on our website: www.newconceptspublishing.com/submissionguidelines.htm(We've had requests for more Domination/Captive themes for this line, but are not limited to this theme alone.)Send to submissions@ newconceptspublishing.com (no space)

The Brood—Releasing February 2007

The theme for this series is animal shifter clans, either of earthly origin or of the fantasy variety. (Please, no bestiality themes) Examples include, but are not limited to wolf, lion, bear, dragon, griffin, swan, etc. Stories should be between 10,000 and 35,000 words, but longer novels will be considered. Romance genres can be historical, fantasy, futuristic, or paranormal/contemporary, in any locale or setting and use any plot device, as long as shifting is used within the story. Spicy or erotic sensuality is preferred. Current NCP authors can submit a detailed synopsis and 5-10k words. Non-NCP authors must submit full manuscript. Completed stories should be turned in for consideration no later than the end of October 2006.Send to submissions@ newconceptspublishing.com (no space)

Enchanted—Releasing May 2007

The theme for this series is magical enchantments and curses. Examples include but are not limited to retellings of fairytales like Beauty and the Beast, Rose Red, Sleeping Beauty, etc. Stories should be between 10,000 and 35,000 words, but longer novels will be considered. Romance genres can be historical, fantasy, futuristic, paranormal, or contemporary, in any locale or setting and use any plot device, as long as the theme is used within the story. Spicy or erotic sensuality is preferred. Current NCP authors can submit a detailed synopsis and 5-10k words. Non-NCP authors must submit full manuscript. Completed stories should be turned in for consideration no later than the end of December 2006.Send to submissions@ newconceptspublishing.com (no space)

Inferno—Releasing August 2007Theme is summer and heat. These stories should be VERY SEXY and should include high sexual tension. Stories should be between 10,000 and 35,000 words. Romance genres can be historical, fantasy, futuristic, paranormal, contemporary, in any locale or setting. Spicy or erotic sensuality is preferred. Current NCP authors can submit a detailed synopsis and 5-10k words. Non-NCP authors must submit full manuscript. Completed stories should be turned in for consideration no later than the end of April 2007.Send to submissions@ newconceptspublishing.com (no space)

Sincerely,Andrea DePastureNew Concepts Publishingwww.newconceptspublishing.com

Out, Out, Damned Cherry Kool Aid!

I could be Lady MacBeth (or Hannibal Lector) right now...my hands look like I've dipped them in blood! If you ever decide to dye your hair (or anyone else's) with cherry Kool Aid, do NOT forget to wear latex gloves.

No, it's not MY hair taking a walk on the wild red side. It's my daughter's. After spending megabucks on a salon dye job that started fading form day one, she decided to touch up her red ends with cheapo Kool Aid dye. Ugh. I'll say this, I will never again drink the stuff.

We used 5 packets of cherry Kool Aid. The kind with no sugar added (this is key). She wet her hair and I mixed the Kool Aid with hair conditioner, a dollop about the size of a quarter for each packet.

Then I smeared the whole mess on her hair (and also on the sink, the floor, the towels, my shirt, the dog...) I wrapped her hair in plastic wrap and she left it in for 24 hours before rinsing it out.

And I must say, it worked great!

Now, if I could only get the stuff off my skin...

Joy

Politics of nicknames

Somewhere, apparently not here, I pledged to blog on Sundays, so here I am, but I must confess that I almost forgot!

Why? (How rude to admit it!)

I'm in the middle of an editing exercise that I'm finding fascinating. Recently... (actually May 31st -- I'm the sort of person who simply has to check facts) my Dorchester editor, Alicia Condon, emailed that she liked my suggestion that maybe the heroine of Insufficient Mating Material ought to have a nickname.

The heroine has a royally long, formal, hyphenated name. I began to feel that constantly repeating the full name was a bit tedious, but I didn't have time before my deadline to put sufficient thought into shortening it. I'm doing so now.

Have you ever given much thought to nicknames? Just because a hunk comes into the heroine's life, and he decides to call her "Ro" (for example) doesn't mean that she thinks of herself as "Ro" all of a sudden, when she has spent thirty years as Rowena, or Ro-Ro, or Janey, or I.

The rest of her friends and family won't suddenly start thinking of her as "Ro" or addressing her as "Ro". Will the hunk introduce Rowena to his friends as "Ro" or "Rowena"? How will Rowena feel about mere acquaintances using the "private" name?

Is this an alien idea? Different nationalities have different sensibilities about how they are addressed, and by whom. Factor in that the nicknamee is a member of a royal family, and life becomes really interesting.

Up the ante. Suppose the nickname isn't a variant of her given name... "Sugarpuss"? Suppose there's a slightly rude innuendo?

So, maybe only the hero uses the nickname. Does he ease into using it? At first, does he substitute "Ro" in conversation, where before he might have addressed the heroine as "Miss Rowena"? At what point does he wonder whether "Ro" can cook, and what "Ro" is like in bed. You might suppose that he wondered such things from a distance before he even learned the heroine's name!

Anyway, for what it's worth, this is what I'm wrestling with this week.

Best wishes,
Rowena

Well, here's what's going on with me.

In two months, Cerridwn Press will have been sitting on JAGO'S PATH for a year, and that only a partial. Meanwhile two other publishing houses have been waiting for a full submission. Additionally, they have not bothered to give me any Status Check when I asked. Sure, I recognize that they're overwhelmed, but enough is enough.

So, as of June '06, if I don't hear from Cerridwn Press by August 1st, I'll withdraw JP from their consideration and deliver it to New Concepts Press and/or Amber Quill Press. And then I'll make the global changes to send it to Dorchester.

If things work out ok.

Inspired by a shark's underside

I was making progress with my next book until a bad boy-shark's genitals got me thinking.

Instead of following the I 75 all the way to Florida for the Romantic Times Bookclub convention, I took a detour East through the Smokey Mountains to visit the aquarium at Gatlinburg. As a result, I drove on through North and South Carolina, and Georgia.

I also let my mind wander.

The concept of a male shark's claspers (which look like labia when not deployed) fascinates me. However, I am not about to give my alien djinn males claspers in their groins. A penile bone and a tattoo is about as far as I'm willing to deviate from the conventional wisdom of what is romantic and "normal" in a hero's wedding tackle.

The Gatlinburg aquarium is impressive. It has a very long viewing tunnel of three inch thick glass (it might be perspex) through which visitors progress majestically on a travelator while very large and dangerous fish swim overhead and alongside.

One hears how sharks have to keep swimming to live. Not these boys. Their bellies and genitals were pressed to the glass above the gaping tourists. I wonder whether the tunnel vibrated pleasurably --because of the travelator-- or whether it was warm, or whether the sharks are exhibitionists.

That thought led to musings about figuratively cold blooded heroes, which is unfortunate.

The logical choice for the next Great Djinn to find a mate, fall in love and live happily ever after ought to be Rhett, or so I thought. He's the elegant, calculating, slightly anachronistic swordsman, inspired more by Adam Adamant than any of George Lucas's knights.

However, if Rhett is too shark-like -- or too busy being an intergalactic statesman-- to fall in love, I may need to find an alternate hero for the next book. So, perhaps it is back to the drawing board for me!


Best wishes,
Rowena

Drive-by Posting

Writing a book is tough. It requires slogging it out every day, every week, until finally there's something to show for it. So I'm going to do a quick drive-by Posting and Announce that I have started my new book. I stared it in the face a while today, but I won. I sat down and wrote a first sentence. Then I wrote another, and another and another. I crossed a few out. (I'm a throwback. I write first drafts in longhand...) And I wrote some more to take the place of those I crossed out. And by lunchtime--my usual stopping time--I had written six and a half pages. I almost stopped at five and a half, but I decided that I was going to write six and make my goal for the day, so I kept going, and didn't get 'round to stopping till I'd written a whole nother page. Ha! It's started. The bad guys didn't win today...

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am....

That Rowena Cherry packed so much action into less than 15,000 words is mind-boggling. It's hard enough when you writer Contemporary Romance or Historical Romance - the readers are "used" to these worlds so you don't have to fill in all the spaces. But in Sci-Fi Romance, you are really biting off a major task. Cherry does it and with style, originality and deftness that will leave the reader amazed.

It's a racy, razor edge of a tale, which will leave you amazed at how she does so much with so few pages.

~Deborah MacGillivray, author of A Restless Knight, Reviewer for The Best Reviews, Paranormal Romance Reviews, Sensual Romance Reviews & Rambles

His Mightiness looks for Romance...and coffee

The god-Emperor Djohn-Kronos hasn't had decent sex in a gestate and is looking for a good time tonight, April 1st. His High and Mightiness will attend the Coffeetime chat at 9pm Eastern in hopes of meeting a few witty, willing, and pleasantly impressionable Earthwomen.

http://www.coffeetimeromance.com/ctr_chat.htm

Could someone shine a light on the dark paranormal?

Dark paranormal. Everyone wants em. But I'm not sure what it is everyone wants. As a grittily determined author clawing toward first publication, it's a source of frustration.

What I think of as "dark" may be dismissed as just weird. Or too tame. Or (probably) oh-my-God-how-can-you-even-consider-putting-something-that-gross-in-a-romance-novel?

So what the heck is going through your minds, editors and agents?

Are you looking for the that classic noir feel, with the jaded narrative voice backed up by smoky saxophones and slow-walking baselines?

Are you looking for the hero and heroine to overcome life-or-death, or worse-than-death, jeopardy to find their happy ending??

Do you want the reader to be on the edge of her seat, wondering if the hero will win the heroine's heart or just rip out her throat?

Do you need one of the lovers to be a paranormal person, or can they both be human fighting a great mucking evil?

Are you looking for epic-poetic internal discourses about the anguish of sucking blood? (Please no, as I reader I beg you not more of that!) Or, you know, sucking anything? (This is a much better option.)

Or are you looking for Clive Barker-esque or Hannibal-and-Clarise-ish where the important people actually end up happily together? (Because that's what I want to read, baby.)

Someone deliver me from confusion!

Keeping the writing going

It's a long slow slog through pages and pages of story. You just have to keep going till you get to the end, through orgasms and coitus interruptus, through sword fights and gun battles and curious fish and one blasted thing after another until you can finally write The End.

And sometimes, you get to pull stuff out from under the bed and look it over and think: "Damn, that's still good."

So, yeah, I mailed one of those to my agent on Friday. Let's hope other folks think it's as good as I do.

Should I have an orgasm

In my book... of course?

I'm on tenterhooks, as you might imagine. I rewrote INSUFFICIENT MATING MATERIAL to cut down severely on the scenes with psychics and playing cards, and to engorge the pages with sexual tension, and coitus interruptus.

Sex gone wrong --for someone else-- is so much more entertaining to read about than sex going right, isn't it? Or do I simply have a nasty streak?

I think IMM is a sexy book, but now it is on the editor's desk and on the way to a few of my favorite reviewers, I have started to agonize about a certain scene.

As I've mentioned, I'm severely restricted on page count, so it's not as if I could throw pages to the wind with gratuitous sex scenes. If I were writing for an erotica line, there'd be no doubt in my mind that the hero and heroine should not miss any opportunity.

But... oh, here's my problem... if I were on a deserted island sea shore, and the sea was cold --it usually is-- and I wasn't immensely confident about my relationship with the guy, AND I was afraid of getting seawater in my ears, I don't think I'd try to re-enact From Here To Eternity.

Would you?

Did Owein have an orgasm?

Hey all, I'm just thrilled to be invited to contribute this snobby, literary-minded, upper class blog! But I mean, really - penises being bitten by fish, phallic rhubarbs, oral sex - how's a nice girl like me supposed to keep up with all that?

So I had to think long and hard (about 30 seconds) about the subject of my first post.

This is what I decided: In keeping with the august literary tone of this blog, I figure there are a lot of people out there who would just love to listen in on the high-brow literary discussions that go on between an author and her editor.

So here you have it, a real, honest to goodness recap of last week's phone conversation between me and my editor at Dorchester.

Setting: my day job

Time: just after lunch

Picture this: The phone rings. It's my editor calling from Dorchester. I immediately ditch the day job to talk to her. She wants to discuss edits for The Grail King, my August Love Spell book.

Luckily, I have the final manuscript saved on my work computer.

"Okay," she says, "page 177. What I need to know is, did Owein have an orgasm?"

"Um," I say, looking around wildly. There are a couple people - of the male persuasion - on the other side of the room.

"Because," she says, "it's clear that Clara had an orgasm, but I'm not sure if Owein had his."

"I bet you don't even blush when you say things like that," I say, blushing.

"No, pretty much at this point I've gotten over all that."

Since editors are busy people with no time for trivial things like false modesty, she forges right ahead.

"Since Owein is really vulnerable to Clara's psychic power just at the point when he reaches his orgasm, I think it's important to make sure the reader knows that it happened for him right here, before you go into the flashback."

"Um," I say again. "Okay." I eye the guys on the other side of the room. "Let me think about that and get back to you."

"All right, good. Now, on page 295..."

So I go home and print out the orgasm passage. I don't know about other writers, but I really like to see the words on an actual sheet of paper rather than on the computer screen.

It's a nice scene, I think. Owein has been trying to shield himself from Clara's psychic ability to see inside his mind. He's got some nasty stuff in his past that he just doesn't want to face. At the same time, Owein hasn't had sex in two years, so he's REALLY hot for some action.

Unfortunately, when Owein has an orgasm, he can't keep Clara out of his mind.

I realize my editor is right (of course) - I have to make it clear that Clara has made Owein lose control of both his body and his mind. After all, that's a romance heroine's job, right?


Here's the original passage:

Her passion broke. His fingers moved on her, sharpening her pleasure. A sob tore from her throat. Her body convulsed as she gasped his name.

The sound echoed in his soul.

Here's what I add:

It caught him and pulled him with her. Sensations expanded, until he could no longer keep them within. His pleasure broke, shattering what was left of his emotions. The door to his heart splintered.

Next line:

And suddenly, he felt her there, inside.


I was pretty happy with that. I sent it on to her the other day. Hope she likes it!

Blog with you later,

Joy
www.joynash.com

About that penis bitten by a fish

I want to thank Brenda for the comment on an earlier thread... does he have to wank?

After mature consideration,
I decided that if the heroine was examining the penis for fish tooth indentations, that would be exciting enough considering all the things the hero could think about. That saved a paragraph!

I sent the manuscript in to my editor yesterday. It was 404 pages including the blank final page that said only The End.

The book is INSUFFICIENT MATING MATERIAL, it is scheduled for February 2007.

It's About the Treatment of Women

A Public Service Announcement:

http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/billnapoli

Cute Advertising Ploy

Hi all,

I was cyber-chatting with Joy Nash and she directed me to her site.
She'd done a cute advertising ploy, a psuedo-interview with her characters.
I thought: WHAT A GREAT IDEA! Especially since my www.dellishchronicles.net is sort of geared toward a neo-reality. (Have you all read Jago's welcome letter to new recruits?)

Anyway, I thought this was a great idea and thought to share, with Joy's permission of course.
http://joynash.blogspot.com/

Cheers!

stasis-- a way to get off the pot...boiler

Sorry to be clinically crude....

I'm eight days from my submission deadline for a 100,000 word story (that I've been asked to cut to nearer 80,000 words).

Cutting left me with about 16 pages of disjointed story points and lines of dialogue or internal dialogue that I simply have to retain. I've been blocked on what to do about it for over a month.... a precious month.

Today--already!--, I realized that I should try putting some of it in the heroine's point of view, even though it was counter intuitive because the hero was eavesdropping on the heroine chatting with a hooker... yes, about his strange looking dork.

I had a boring but important preamble to the fish bites penis action scene, and I could not, as I've said, figure out what to do with it.

Eureka! It adds immense depth.... the heroine wants to be overheard!

What a really good rotorooter when you're stuck on the potboiler.

Best wishes,
Rowena

Fish bites Penis--a gorilla testicle?

I need you to be honest, Bloggers.
Is this episode best kept as an out-take to showcase my sense of humor etc?
Or should it be retained in INSUFFICIENT MATING MATERIAL at all costs?

This scene takes place on a deserted alien island, where the Earth-educated hero, Djetth, was marooned with Martia-Djulia, so they could mate. Martia-Djulia did not want to mate. Feya is there by accident. She used to be his favorite hooker. Then he had plastic surgery and a change of face and identity. The one giveaway is his unique penis tattoo.

Now, he has to find a tactful way to explain to everyone that all human males have designs on their penises.....

(Djinni is the girl he knew all his life, to whom he was once betrothed before Martia-Djulia's brother appropriated Djinni.)

If he happened to be exclusively sexually active with either Feya or Martia-Djulia, it wouldn’t be the thorny issue that it was.

An injury! That would be the way to go. For some mysterious reason, females seemed to find male injuries funny.

Djinni, at three, had rejoiced in calling his positor a ‘flopping bottom’ not that his Imperial Positor had ever flopped in her presence or in anyone else’s. She’d seen an actor’s penis on TV when she should have been fast asleep.

Was it absolutely necessary that Martia-Djulia see his ‘injury’ take place? What were the logistics of staging a penis accident?

Djetth cast his mind back thirty or so Earth years. Canderu! That was the way to go. Djinni had been fascinated and horrified by the phenomenon of a little Amazon river fish that was attracted by moving urine in the river water.

Apparently, this fish was prone to mistake a urinating penis for the gills of the much larger fish upon which it usually preyed. How could it make such a terrible error? Presumably it was a very short sighted fish.

Way to go!

If a male came splashing out of the water, clutching himself, alleging that a fish had bitten him there, Martia-Djulia and Feya might be maliciously amused. Surely, though, they would think it the most natural thing in the world for Djetth to examine himself.

“Something bit me! Slack damn.” Djetth swore volubly. Screaming was more than his Imperial Machismo permitted.

Feya, who was obviously feeling better, giggled.

“Shit, it hurts like the very blazes. I hope it wasn’t the sort of fish that goes up inside. I am sorry, Ladies. I'm going to have to inspect myself for damage.”

Djetth threw himself on to his back on the sand, tempingly close to where the girls sat, thrust down his trunk briefs, hooking them just below his bent and spread knees. Nothing was worth the actual loss of his trunk briefs and the lethal contents in the secret pocket.

“Whoa...that's horrible,” he groaned, knowing that females like to see anything horrible.

Moaning, he clutched himself with both hands, one behind the other, in a golf club grip, the little finger of his left hand hooked into the forefinger of his right. Peripherally, Djetth saw the girls exchange glances. They were interested.

“Fewmetty thing. Why the blue blazes would a bloody fish want to bite my positor?” he muttered eloquently.

The trouble with a bioluminescent tattoo is that the little organisms have a mind of their own. They only flash when life is gooooood.

Problem. How to wank without looking as if One is having a good time?